Sometimes you have to turn your back… let go!

Listening to: “Stay or Go” by Monica

Thoughts:    So this is such an amazing song! I listen to it all the time, not just when a guy pisses me off, lol. I like it because of the message it gives.

See it’s not about love quarrels, trials, and tribulation. It’s not about kicking some lame to the curb. It’s not about male bashing. Well… it is to some degree, but hey!, it’s a hot track and the underlying message is FAR greater. It’s just a person, coming to a crossroads and making a decision so that they can continue on their path.

For those of you who haven’t heard the song yet, these are the lyrics:

“This is so annoying. I’d say grow up, but I know that you won’t.

I don’t understand what’s so hard, you either wanna be with me or you don’t.

One day you love me, the next day you wanna leave.

You’re so up and down.

Well I’m about good and tired of this.

Too fly for you, to not know what you want.

So let me know, what you’re gonna do.

Stay or go, cuz I’m not wating, yes or no?

I’m about to decide fore you.

Stay or go?

Tried to give you real love, that’s when you up and run away.

But when I act like I’m done with this, that’s when you decide (you wanna stay).

I ain’t got time to waste like this, too fly to put up with your day-to-day

So let me know, what you’re gonna do.

Stay or go, cuz I’m not wating, yes or no?

I’m about to decide fore you.

Stay or go?”

So what Monica is basically saying is, “Listen I am fly. And I know I’m fly. So you can either get it together, or I’ve got to go! And if you don’t know what it is by now, I’ll go ahead and decide for you. Because I can no longer waste my time with you while you figure it out. So what it is? Stay or go?”

Does it sound a little arrogant? YEA! That’s the point. I think we sometimes don’t think that we deserve as much as we do. We don’t celebrate ourselves enough. You are special, and you should have the confidence to let anyone know, who isn’t willing to give you what you deserve that they might as well not even bother. “Yes! I am too good for that!”, is sometimes an O.K. thing to say… IF whatever that is will take you off your path. Don’t just run around the city with a “Holier than though attitude” ya’ll. But I think that when we settle, we can begin to lower ourselves so much that we actually begin to believe that what was once not good enough for us, is now too good for us. We become amazed that we even still have it, and fear losing it. We get so caught up in the idea of “this person is so wonderful, I don’t want to lose this or that bout them”. But what we forget to remind ourselves is that “I AM SO WONDERFUL, that I don’t deserve this nonsense no matter how good this person may seem to be some of the time.” HAVE CONFIDENCE! KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND DESERVE! NO FEAR! lol…. aight now everybody get out your bra to burn… lol.

 

But, seriously, my biggest pet peeve is when my time is wasted. So I like this song because it basically says the same thing. “I know what I deserve, and I simply will not let you waste my time pretending that you’re doing to give it to me… “ Sometimes you can’t be afraid to walk away from things, no matter how good they may seem to potentially be. The greatest blessing might be right behind you. But you’d never know because you’ve got your eyes fixed on something else for fear of what you’ll lose. Have the arrogance to turn you back on something and lose the fear of it. You might be surprised at what was right behind you all along.  

Forget About Mr. Right

For of the past 6 months I have been a single lady. This is something that I have never had a problem with but this time it’s a little different. Not only does it not bother me… I enjoy it!

I think that this generation of lovers, if you will, has got the game all messed up, throwing, words and titles around all willy nilly. People confusing associates for friends; like and/or lust, for love; and dating for courting.

So what’s the difference? Dating is going on dates, hanging out, having fun, getting to know each other, and so on and so on. Courting is basically dating exclusively, and back in the day intending to take one’s hand in marriage. What somehow has happened, however, is that these youngsters out here are taking every single exchange as a green light for courting. People are so quick to jump to boyfriend/girlfriend, before you even know this person’s last name, birthday, or favorite color. This isn’t high school anymore. You like me, and I like you, so now we go together. That’s why high school relationships come and go like the tide. They end just as quickly as they begin. As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to grips with what it is to truly be dating. Meeting different people, going on dates, getting to know guys without and strain or pull of “so what is this?” or “where is this going"?”. It’s a DATE! That’s all. And it will go where we decide. Could be nowhere, could be to the alter. Who’s to know? And who’s to say we have to make that distinction today? I just met you… GEESH!

 

Dating is about circulating. Trying different things, and learning along the way about your likes and dislikes. After all, if you don’t know what they are, how can you expect someone else to… let alone satisfy them.

By slowing down, just taking things in, and enjoying others company without the strings and pressure, being single has become a period of enlightenment! So to my single ladies out there wondering when Mr. Right will come along? STOP IT! ENJOY your LIFE with Mr. Right NOW… whoever that may be (by the way, this in no way means just flounce around with every Tom, Dick and Harry… remember your standards, girls). Eventually, if he’s worthy, that “NOW” part will fade away naturally. In the meantime, you’ll just be having lots of fun together :) 

Things work better… when you know how to operate them. Take Control Ladies! (we really could run things *wink*)

Ok so ladies… as of late I’ve happened upon a lot of either helpful, clarifying, or confirming information about men. How they think, they’re M.O., how to deal with them, etc. I’ve had some interesting conversations with some of my guy friends, met some different guys through various activities I’ve started participating in, and pondered on things said or actions made in my own relationships with certain men. Then, my mom recommended I read Steve Harvey’s book “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.” While I read Mr. Harvey’s book, a lot of things that us girls think long and hard over suddenly made so much sense. This was mostly because of the way he expressed his thoughts. 

  

Oddly enough, I came to realize that I already knew just about everything that was addressed in Mr. Harvey’s book. These were all things that made perfect sense to me because they were all things that my father had told me, things that I recall from a classic Eddie Murphy stand up flick, things that at one point or another some mate of mine has said or hinted at in a way that made me take him less than serious or laugh it off even. But in my recent encounters and readings, I took everything in. Personally, I think that my reception was heightened because the medium in which the message was conveyed was one of honesty, casualty and realness. This, by the way is all I ask for from everyone and you’d be surprised how hard it is to get… but that’s another blog.

What I get from Steve Harvey’s book, from talking to my guy friends, from every “how to handle your man”, or “why do men cheat” joke is this….

Men are VERY SIMPLE creatures…. VERY…SIMPLE… CREATURES.

When it comes to relationships with them, you pretty much are in control of how things go from sun up to sun down.

The main gist of  “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” is just what the title says.

FIRST STEP: ACT LIKE A LADY…. You gotta have your stuff together!!! You want a man? BE A WOMAN! Have standards, KNOW who you are, what you like, and what you won’t stand for. You can’t bring anybody else into the mix and expect them to know what you like and dislike if you yourself don’t know those things. A lot of the times, we are the ones that make things more complicated than what they are. We sit, cry, nag, bitch, wine, complain, shout and rave about how men are no good without taking the tiniest glimpse in the mirror. We fail to think upon how we may, or may not (you know I’m not taking ALL the blame as a woman…lol) be contributing the issue..

SECOND STEP: THINK LIKE A MAN…. Things work better when you understand them. When you know how they work, you’re better able to utilize them, and get what you want from them. Think about it, machines, technology, musical instruments, rowdy children, anything. Well, it’s the same with people. The more you know about a person, the more you can benefit from your interactions and relationships with that person; and know which ones to avoid. You know what to say or not say, do or not do. Now, here’s the beauty, it’s even simpler with men. It only takes so much to know a few basic “rules’ and concepts to understand how men work. You know why men get away with a lot, or why they do some of the crazy things they do?? It’s because they can! They understand, basically, how we women work. They know that they can only push as far as WE let them. And they know how to get us to let them push. Thus, you have women who are afraid to speak up in certain aspects for fear that he’ll leave, or another one will do what you won’t.  They know what they can and can’t do with a lady because each lady will let them know in some way or another. And that’s what they go by, in a nutshell. So the question becomes, what is it that YOU are saying?? (This where the first step comes into play). See how it works?? They know how we work… know how to use their tools and toys… but why should they have all the fun?? ;-)

 

So basically, we yield the control. No disrespect Mr. Brown, but this is a WOMAN’S world. Ladies, you want someone to take your hand??… then TAKE THE REIGNS :)

When someone TELLS you who they are… it’s alright to listen sometimes.

So we all know that saying, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them!” I’m aaall for that. Love it, even. People will tell you anything these days. Actions do speak louder than words, for the most part. However, sometimes, when someone tells you who they are… it’s alright to listen too. And unless, they’re actions completely negate or contradict what they said continue to govern your relationship or interactions with that person accordingly… to the letter.

I’m a very laid back person when it comes to socializing, my interactions, and relationships with people. I’m pretty open to meeting people, learning new things, good conversation and other philosophies. All I ask from people that enter my life is that they be honest with me. That’s about it. Be honest. Be upfront. Don’t try to protect my feelings, don’t assume the worst. Just tell me what it is, and we will work it out if we can.

Oddly enough, no matter how much I try to convince others of this simple, and solitary rule with me, some still decide that I don’t mean it. I’m sure that there are a lot of men and women alike who claim to be different from the rest. I am not one of those people. I’m not saying that I’m just like every other woman you’ve met either. I’m simply saying that I am me. And when you’re dealing with me, understand that that means being real, above all else.

 

Let’s take perhaps the easiest and most obvious example, cheating. Hey (shruggs shoulders), it happens. And that’s honestly how I feel about it; the act of it. But what’s most important to me, even more so than the act, is how you decide to deal with it. Life is 10% what happens, and 90% how you react to it. If one cheated on me, and lied about it or was deceitful about it, I would be furious! My fury, would not stem entirely from that fact that someone cheated on me… the act… what happened. That’s just 10%. There are a plethora of other factors that I consider. Gotta look at the bigger picture, guy. I’m not just thinking about the fact that you cheated on me. I’m thinking about the 90%… how you reacted… your character…who YOU are. I’m thinking about the fact that you lied about it, the reasons you decided it would be better to lie about it, and how that affects my past, presence, and future with you if any and/or all are still applicable.

90% of who you are is telling me that not only are you disloyal, you’re deceitful, you don’t trust me enough to tell me the truth (and what’s a relationship without trust??), you are willing to knowingly steer me wrong (so you’re probably not dependable), in short, you’re not a decent person and I don’t want or need that in my life. You’ll probably either do me wrong or eventually drag me down to you’re level. Why would I want to remain stagnate or regress?? I’ve got enough on my plate, thanks!

I am on a mission. Period. Along that path, you come along and convince me that you deserve to share MY special path for a season, and that’s fine. What’s not ok is that if necessary and warranted, I might make some revisions to fit you into the grand scheme of things and if that decision is made under false pretences that decision is now a mistake. Basically, you take me off my path, as it was, and lead me up shit creek, blindfolded without a paddle, for nothing. In short, you waste my time, and I hate that.

So…. when I tell you… “Listen, (insert pet name), I just want you to be honest with me. That’s all I ask. I promise, I can deal with it, whatever it is. At least with the truth, I can work it out, get over it, handle it accurately. I CAN’T deal with lies. I don’t know how to navigate and work with that. But truth, though it may hurt at times, is at the very least manageable. So just be real with me.”…. LISTEN! :)

The Common Cold…

Our immune system is quite a wonder… the whole body is, actually. I’ve always been sort of fascinated by scientific and anatomical wonders like, why we blink, and how our body reacts to external, and internal, factors to maintain it’s balance. Anyways, back to the immune system. How awesome is it that our body takes a virus, an intruder of our sacred vessel and balance, observes it, analyzes it, and then sort of makes a back-up copy of all that data? This is just in case the intruder ever tries to attack again. We go back in that file, and we’re all ready for it, guns just ready, maybe even itching to blaze. I mean, that’s how vaccines work. When you get a shot, they aren’t shooting medicine (sorry to rain on any parades). They’re actually shooting a small, milder dose of the exact same virus you are intending to prevent. Yea, then your body does its thing, you know collect the necessary data from the intruder. So then, if the real thing tries to come at you, you can nip that shit in the bud!

Wouldn’t it be, like, an exponentially greater than great and awesome thing if relationships worked the same way?? I mean, dating alone and finding “the one” would be tremendously easier and more enjoyable and triumphant. Every heart break, every time you thought “I should’ve seen the signs”, every unfortunate mishap in your love life would not be in vain. You’d be ready for any virus, uh… pardon, I mean man, that dares intrude on your balance (or happiness). The next fool would be stopped dead in his tracks if he tried to pull the same ridiculousness as his predecessor.

To a degree, you might be thinking that dating is sort of like getting vaccinations. Each date you go on, or relationship is like a vaccine shot. And just as your body lives and learns from each illness it encounters, we live and learn from each relationship we endure. So why, then, is it that some of us find ourselves in the annoying and almost comical cycle. You know it, you know it well. That cycle of meeting the same types of guys. That cycle of “I can never meet anyone when I’m looking, but when I’m over it, new faces and exes alike wanna pop up left and right”. That cycle of going up and down in that on-again-off -again relationship that you just can’t figure out why you allow yourself to participate in. Why doesn’t our “emotional immune system” kick in at some point and say, “Hey, uh, I know we’re feeling some tingles and jingles but I gotta tell ya…. last time this didn’t pan out so well. I suggest we take this route over here, boss!”.  Well… it does!

The problem is, for the most part, it’s irrelevant because when you’re dating, you’re not dealing with a very simple and unique virus. Dating is like the common cold. Think about it. Why is that if our immune system does what it does, we still catch a cold each and every winter? Why doesn’t our data on “taking care of colds” kick in? It’s because the common cold is a scandalous little bastard, that’s why! The common cold comes in many different strands so each winter, whatever data our immune system had collected means absolutely squat. Each year is a whole new ball game. The best thing you can do is dress warm. I think dating, especially when caught in that cycle, is similar. We go through a nasty break up, vow to never make those same mistakes, and then what happens. The next chunk of yum with a smile comes along and you end up making a whole different version of all those mistakes and ultimately wind up right back where you started, which is usually somewhere thinking, “I can’t believe I’m here right now.” This is because you’re dealing with a new and improved strand of the same crap… uh, virus… I mean guy or girl.

Getting sick sucks but we all know there are things we can do to try and avoid the common cold. Dress warm, protect yourself from the cold, take vitamins, drink hot cocoa, whatever you do. And once you’ve got that down, you can actually enjoy the cold, weather that is. You can play and make snowmen, go ice skating, all that jazz. In the same token, getting hurt sucks too, but try to avoid it as best you can, with what you have learned from your uh, vaccines, so you can enjoy the season :)

Enough is Enough!!!… or is it?

My mother once told me something that I will never forget… “Only you can tell when you’ve had enough.” Those words ring SO true to me. Ever look at a friend in what you would consider an unbelievably insane situation and wonder, “Why would anyone in their right mind keep subjecting themselves to this??” First of all, they’re probably not in their right mind. And if they are, they probably just haven’t had enough.

For example, a young woman who’s in a relationship with someone for years upon years is with a guy who has had done everything that the “I’m a strong black woman and I don’t take no shit from no man” manual (you know you have a copy) says warrants a slashed tire or keyed side panel (whatever your weapon of choice is). If you’re not into that, a good verbal thrashing with a severe case of whipping neck, rolling eyes, and threatening hand motions at the VERY least, will suffice. We all (the peanut gallery of girlfriends) would NOT understand for the life of us why she would keep going back to this dude. Of course, peanut galleries always know exactly what the issue is and EXACTLY what should or shouldn’t be done to solve it…. for everyone ELSE! We go through (and comment/cosign on) lie after lie, alleged other girl after alleged other girl, crying phone call after…. you get the idea.

In a situation similar to this with me, it got to the point we (the peanut gallery of girlfriends) all decided it would be best not to deal with such situations and just be there for her through it all. This decision came about after my mother spoke those pearls of wisdom (and some of us got told off in an attempt to confront our friend). Regardless the motivation for our conclusion in the matter, I, for one, think that’s the best advice one can get.

“Only YOU know when you’ve had enough.”

I now find myself in a similar position as our aforementioned friend (minus a few distinct details… ). I have recently had a relationship go from bad to worse before ending. This relationship was wonderful while it lasted, I guess. But, now all I can think about is all the signs I should have seen, trying to decipher if each sign was actually a sign or just things that a normal couple goes through. Then I question the whole idea of a “normal couple”. I know it’s called a “break-up” because it’s “broken”. But things break all the time. That’s why we have firemen, and mechanics, and plumbers right??? I mean, our entire relationship was long distance. Does that mean we get to bend the rules?? Anyhow, the one that takes the cake is I still entertain, dare I say, hope for, the prospect of the relationship being salvaged. Can it be salvaged?? Maybe we just need some time to get some dustbusters going in our own corners and then call for a relationship plumber and get all the crap outta there… right? Well, guess I just haven’t had enough, huh ma?

Just felt like it...

So, about a year ago I was introduced to the webcam. I know it's been in existence, but I never used one. I loved it... and thought, "I should start a video blog". Couple that with the fact that I truly believe my life should be a reality show (I've wanted to be on The Real World, since I was like 18). Things happen to me, or I see things happen that just are so unbelievable at times. I use the phrase, "...you just had to be there" so often because the things that transpire in this world... *sigh* sometimes are just impossible to retell. 

So, here I am ready to begin my LAST (I'm claiming it in Jesus name!) semester at The Howard University. I work at Pee Wee Piano teaching piano and staffing an after care and summer camp. Right now, I'm just at that point where I'm learning and growing a lot. 

Basically I've just decided to start blogging these random mishaps and experiences... the good, bad, and the ugly (although most of them are probably going to be quite comical)... 'cause I just felt like it.

Here goes... :)